David on Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones

While Clones was an improvement over Phantom Menace, it wasn't all that much of an improvement. The nearly universally reviled Jar Jar Binks was replaced by the virtually-as-annoying whiny Hayden Christensen as the future Darth Vader suffering through puberty and sharing absolutely zero chemistry with the uncharacteristically wooden Natalie Portman. And the legendary Christopher Lee was utterly wasted.

Having learned nothing from the avalanche of harsh reviews earned by Menace, Lucas continued to pummel viewers with the painfully ponderous political "intrigue" (using that term with no conviction) between the Republic and the Jedi. The results feel like an empty excuse to play with lots of cool new CGI toys, leaving the viewer with no incentive to invest their emotions in any of the characters. All of which leaves us, once again, scratching our heads over Clones' obscene commercial success.

The only thing saving it from being utter SH!T? Even better visuals than before. But, at the risk of repeating myself, effects alone do not a GOOD film make—or even a MEH film. And if I hear "I've got a bad feeling about this" one more time, I'm going to fly out to Skywalker Ranch and pull Lucas' fingernails off.

SH!T BAD MEH 1/2-DECENT GOOD F!NG-AWESOME

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